That silent shadow that we all carry. The hushed voices in our heads that despite our impressive credentials, expertise, and long list of accomplishments whisper into our minds, “You are not good enough. You are not smart enough. You will make mistakes and be exposed as the fraud we all know you are.” That inner demon has a name: Imposter Syndrome (“IS”). I would bet my left kidney that at that last happy hour you attended—or even at your work Christmas party—almost every individual in that room is plagued by IS—yes, even that high-power, effortlessly charismatic co-worker flanked by doting peers. Don’t believe me? Tom Hanks, Serena Williams, and Sonia Sotomayor have all discussed to struggling with IS, and let’s be honest—there is no arguing with America’s dad, the tennis GOAT, and a Supreme Court Justice. 

Embracing Imposter Syndrome as a Mediator

I would lose all credibility if I did not admit that I suffer from IS in both personal (“You are failing as a mother! You are not Instagram worthy!”) and professional settings (“Am I really good enough?”). If you’re reading this, I am sure you can relate. As an attorney-mediator, I am often in rooms with highly intelligent and intimidating attorneys. When my IS whispers too loudly, my self-doubts are amplified when my past as a litigator—a domain where confidence and certainty govern—is confronted by my role as a mediator—where flexibility and neutrality reign supreme.

How do I weave these opposing ideologies to silence my inner critic and sleep 7 hours (+ or – because toddlers be toddling)? I found the answer through mediation training and mediation experience. The key is to reframe these feelings entirely. 

1. Step One: Listening Without Passing Judgment.

One of the first skills taught in mediation training is listening without passing judgment. As a mediator, I have heard some atrocious allegations—especially in CPS cases. My role is not to pass judgment; it is to listen and HEAR everyone without injecting my own thoughts and beliefs. Through my time serving as a mediator, I began to extend this same courtesy to my own brain. Instead of harshly critiquing and passing judgment on my own actions, I now ask myself, “What really happened, what can I learn, and what did I do well.” Reframing my self-doubt to constructive/positive perspective has allowed me to see IS for exactly what it is—an emotion. Not reality. Not fact. Not truth. 

   2. Step 2: Focus on Resolution and Neutrality, Not Perfection.

Successful mediation does not mean perfectly resolving the issues. No, it is about showing up and participating in a process where the parties can resolve the issues on their own. The shift—from being expert in the law—to facilitating peaceful solutions is how I approach my own issues. 

Before, my life revolved around flawless execution and confidence. Now, I seek growth, empathy, and understanding. Just like in mediation, the first step toward peace is showing up. I think we forget sometimes how much effort it takes just to show up somewhere (even if it court ordered). Once we are present, we can adapt/learn from any challenges and brainstorm our solution. Something else I have learned? It is 100% acceptable to not know all of the answers. As my five year old would say, “That is called LEARNING.” Illusory notions of perfection have no place in mediation, or in our brains for that matter.

Recently, I mediated a legally complex case with highly emotional parties, and after several hours, it felt as though everyone had hit a wall. One of the attorneys began packing up her things to leave and told her client, “Let’s go, we’re walking.” The IS shadows began to invade my mental clarity, but I took a minute to mediate my own thoughts. I treated my own thoughts and feelings as “disputants,” at the mediation table—listening and acknowledging their existence without letting them determine my self-worth. I acknowledged the IS as a feeling, not reality, and I circled back to the process and what the parties’ were really telling me. Within minutes, I thought of a way to make a breakthrough with one of the parties. A few hours later, we were executing a mediated settlement agreement. 

Applying These Lessons Beyond Mediation

Some of you may be wondering, “Great, but how does this rationale apply to me?” Whether it is navigating those inevitable days where one feels so deflated from parenting challenges, managing family dynamics, or talking to your neighbor who voted for that other person, I have found that following have universal application: (1) Reframing the narrative; (2) Active listening without judgment, (3) Valuing process over perfection.

Self-doubt will always exist; those whispers will always be there. Armed with the right strategies, however, we can learn to tune out those whispers and LISTEN to the voice truly deserving of our attention—our own potential. 

**** Disclaimer: The information provided here is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute legal, medical, or professional advice. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional guidance, diagnosis, or treatment. For specific legal or medical advice, please consult with a qualified attorney or healthcare provider.